Avoiding Divorce
Cheating Myths
Cheating: Fact and Fantasy
ByVicki Salemi
Not everyone does it, but a lot of us do. According to a 2006 report on sexual behavior by the National Opinion Research Center, 22 of men and 13 of women have had an affair. But there's more to affairs than you think. The truth may surprise you.
Cheating Is All About Sex
Not so, says Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical psychology professor at Brown University and author of 'The Secrets of Happy Married Women.' Cheating can occur on an emotional level without any physical contact. "Whether it's meeting for lunch or bonding with someone online, you are still keeping secrets from your partner."
People cheat because they've fallen out of love
"Few affairs begin because one person feels like they no longer love their spouse or partner," says Dr. Haltzman. "They may not be happy at the moment but it doesn't mean there isn't any love." Reasons for cheating often point to other issues in the relationship, such as the husband feeling like he needs an ego boost or the wife looking for more attention than she gets at home.
People cheat with hotter, younger people
If Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are any indication, the unfaithful don't necessarily gravitate to the hotter, younger. An affair may be based on a void in your current relationship, says Matt Titus, relationship expert, matchmaker and author of 'Why hasn't he called?' "You cheat based on what your spouse or partner doesn't have." For example, some cheaters are blind to looks but bedazzled by wit, wealth or intelligence.
Once a cheater, always a cheater
"When you learn by loss, you see repercussions for your actions," says Titus. As a former cheater himself during his first marriage (which ended in divorce), he learned his lessons, matured emotionally from the experience and later remarried. "I was given a second chance. I would never cheat on my wife, so once a cheater, always a cheater is not always true."
A marriage can't withstand cheating
"An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a problematic relationship," says Dr. Haltzman. "It can be a wake up call instead." If there's an affair there are usually underlying problems in the relationship and this may be a springboard to open a dialogue via counseling sessions. "A marriage or relationship absolutely can withstand cheating."
One-time cheating is no different than an affair
"It is different," says Dr. Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. "One-time cheating still breaks a bond of trust in your relationship, but affairs are much more emotionally vested than a one-night stand." In both cases you've disrespected your partner and marriage vows, but ongoing affairs could be worse, as they often lead to emotional intimacy.
Women don't cheat
Oh yes they do, corrects Dr. Fine. "As women are more involved in the workforce and travel on business trips, they encounter more situations which make them prone to cheating." Plus, Dr. Fine says women bond more easily than men. "When they work closely with men, they feel more emotionally vested in the relationship."
Men cheat because they're not getting enough at home
There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex, says Dr. Fine. "People cheat because they're selfish, immature or narcisstic. Or they're excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place."
A midlife crisis = cheating
The thing about clichés, like graying hair and little red sports cars, is that most are based on fact. But a midlife crisis is much more. In an online poll produced by Wisconsin Public Radio, more than half of the respondents said that a midlife crisis is a "very real, gut-wrenchingly depressing experience." Some men hit middle age and have affairs. Others, however, start drinking too much, quit their job or become impotent or become clinically depressed. That's when it's time to seek counseling.
Recent Comments
Daydreemer86 11:53:39 AM May 06 2008
I persoanlly don't think that anything comes easy...its what you make it. My husband and I have been married 2 years here the 26th and been together a total of 6 years. We got together when we were in 10th grade. Everyone said that it wouldn't last or work. If you truelly find happiness with another person and know that the loyalty is there and mutual love, there isn't nothing that you can't do---including making a marriage last!~ We now have a 9month old, and love made it all happen...if you think it's worth making work, then do what you gotta do!!!!!
BJJH99 02:25:43 AM May 06 2008
If men treated their spouses like they treat their mistresses, there would be no divorce. Take it from a divorced woman.
Bbblgm446 01:21:20 AM May 06 2008
ok yeah dont bring your religion into this. it gets old.
AudrFrazi 11:19:02 PM May 05 2008
If people work as hard to stay married as on a 6 figure jobs there would be less divorce-
Love is a four letter word and it takes 2 willing parties to love one another as Christ loved you. The union is not just between the 2 people. What you forget as soon as somthing goes wrong is that you are not in control GOD is and your union is through (him) Christ Jesus-
Melyg79 10:51:18 PM May 05 2008
I have been married 5years, and I have to say it hasn't been easy but I love my husband none the less. I don't care what anybody says, marriage takes work from both sides. You can't just expect that things are going to be the same as if you were dating. Because now he doesn't have to try as hard and she does'nt have to shave her legs anymore is WRONG THINKING! If you did certain things to keep him interested then why wouldn't u do the same now? And the same goes for him. He should still be doing things to impress you and keep you interested. Its a two way street and both have to be working on the marriage to keep it going. Its real easy to think, you don't have to do those things anymore because the minute you start thinking that way, your headed for trouble! Do what you can to keep that fire and romance burning. If you used to go on dates don't stop when your married. If you used to go out with your friends while you were dating, don't stop that either. YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS BALANCE.
DDeecee40 07:25:19 PM May 05 2008
Been married 50 years this year and expect it to last a lifetime. Some advice for a happy marriage: become friends before marriage, respect as well as love, be considerate and thoughtful, have fun together, agree on the priorities for your family, forgive and forget once you settle a disagreement. Don't give up at the first conflict. Figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. Realize that the problem may be with you and not your partner. In some situations you need to walk away. Don't stay in an abusive relationship just to "celebrate" many years of marriage.
Clearancequeenie 07:47:19 AM May 04 2008
I have been married for over 21 yrs . We are still madly in love with each other. I think what makes a great marriage is many things . 1. You have to trust your partner fully.2 Communication . You have to talk to your partner and tell them how you feel and let them tell you how they feel. 3. Sense of humor. You have to have a sense of humor or it will not work. You can not be so serious all the time. 4. I think the main reason my spouse and I have been married for so long is we are friends as well as lovers . I think being your spouses best friend really helps in a relationship. I can tell him anything without fear of being ridiculed 5. a good sex life. Tell them what your likes and dislikes are. If you do not tell them they will not know and vice versa .. Ok .. Now that is my Dr Phil for the day LOL .. Dh and I hardly fight. Yeah we bicker but we hardly have fights we normally just talk things through..
AboundInGoodness 02:33:33 AM May 04 2008
THEGOLDISNO,
They say "work at a marriage" so that both partners are giving equal effort to making each other happy.
